Two hundred and seventy pounds. I get off the scale and sigh. When Libra isn’t moving in with a healthy diet and exercise, and bad thoughts start again, something in the back of my mind reminds me of the only way I’ve lost before – starving myself. After all, everyone wants to see results, right?
Eating disorders are relatively misunderstood as a whole, and the misunderstanding gets worse if you don’t “look” at the part.
Anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder that is identified through unhealthy restriction of calories and sometimes excessive exercise. Patients with anorexia are underweight and severely dysfunctional in the body, and the physical effects of prolonged restraint can devastate the patient both physically and mentally.
Anorexia atypical is practically the same as anorexia nervosa. The only difference? The patient is not underweight. The “atypical” part means that the patient is of normal weight or overweight. In my case, as for my height, I am obese. Nobody notices the effects of atypical anorexia when I shorten my meals to a few bites a day. Instead, they clap my weight loss like me finally Take control of my body and get back to health again, when nothing is further from the truth.
I never had a healthy relationship with food, but the first time I really experienced unhealthy dietary restrictions and anorexia was my first year in college. This is not entirely surprising, as the stress of leaving home and higher education leads to the fruits of a number of mental health problems. Eating disorders included. But I fell into anorexia at first by accident. I simply had no money.
The college I went to had no meal plans for students on campus, and my dad wasn’t able to send me money or food. Towards the end of my first year, I was just living off the occasional social food event and what my roommate in a similar situation could get from her slightly better off parents. This wasn’t a great time and it eventually led to him dropping out.
But there was one positive, at least in my eyes … I lost weight.
Sufficient weight, in fact, to finally be considered a “normal” weight for my height. I felt good about myself, but when I think rationally, I know how bad I really am. My weight was “normal”, yes, but it was a result of losing muscle density, not fat. I was prone to getting sick very quickly, and I was constantly dizzy.
However, when it comes to people who are overweight, nobody really cares How do You lose weight, just what you do. The ever-present and ever-dangerous diet industry is testament to this, with cliched diets that can ruin a person’s physical health as they strive to get a body Look Like our community’s idea of health. Meanwhile, I am overweight, but all of my body has kept me absolutely healthy.
Feeling fat is a fundamental sin in society. So it is no wonder that I am constantly returning to the eating habits that cause anorexia, despite my clear knowledge of how harmful they are to me. My worst attraction to anorexia was atypical about five years ago. Life’s events put me under a tremendous amount of stress, and I eventually stopped eating any beneficial meals. I lived on biscuits, energy drinks, and the occasional tender chicken if my stomach could handle it. I even meticulously counted calories in a tracking app and ignored the app’s daily warnings that I was eating too little.
He didn’t blink his eyes when I lost 40 pounds in three months or so. Instead, everyone told me how good looking I was and that they were jealous of losing my weight. It was the confidence booster I needed, but it also cemented in my mind that maybe anorexia wasn’t a bad thing. I used to save up money and don’t eat much!
I ended up getting very sick about five months into this restriction cycle. Since my immune system was not at its best, I caught a nasty virus and was hectic and bedridden for a week. When I was lying in my apartment sick and alone, I realized I must start taking care of myself. I slowly started eating more, although that wasn’t enough when I started exercising again. It wasn’t until an accident damaged my knee that I was stable enough to stop the cycle.
But when the restriction cycle ends, the weight gain begins. This is not a surprise, given that most brains will be activated.Hunger mode” When they think you are hungry. When someone stops restricting their calories, the body may then store as much of this newly discovered energy as fat, just in case it happens again. It makes recovering from any form of anorexia extremely difficult – when your teeth and nails are struggling to lose weight, getting it back faster than you lost it can send you into another cycle.
Fortunately, I have a good support system in my life that can see beyond the idea that losing weight equals a good thing. Having someone notice that maybe I should have a second meal, or maybe I should have some cashews to go with this energy drink was enough to help me realize that what I was doing with my body just wasn’t right.
It was the last time I went into a full-blown cycle of anorexia, although I’ve had a lot of close calls since. Certain restrictive diets can spark my tendencies, and while I learned healthy ways to count calories, I have to be careful about tracking both my calories and my weight when my mental health is low. I had to learn to control my impulses myself because I know that no one else will believe any of my problems. Even if they do, getting insurance to pay for the expensive treatment is difficult enough when you have anorexia nervosa. It’s almost impossible if you say you have anorexia and don’t look like you have anorexia.
I have learned to care about what I eat, in a good way, and to eat healthily as much as I can. I’m fortunate to be able to manage my symptoms without medication, even if my metabolism has been compromised. It takes a long time to get rid of the bad thoughts of “overeating” and look at my body negatively, but as long as I remember that I’m working to be healthy, not skinny, it becomes easier to look at myself in a mirror.
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